Our Most Powerful Intern

Who is Kristi Noem anyway?

Like many concerned citizens, I spent the weekend reading and watching the news after learning about the murder of American citizen Alex Pretti by ICE officers in Minneapolis. One press conference in particular stuck with me—in a bad way—the one given by Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem.

Then I did the thing creative people are always warned not to do (because it’s “a distraction,” apparently): I went down the Kristi Noem rabbit hole.

Who is this person who stood in front of a press corps and tried to justify the killing of a man in cold blood, in front of multiple witnesses who were recording the whole thing on their phones? She came off like someone ordered to toe the company line while quietly praying no one asked a question she couldn’t answer. Not quite a deer in headlights, not as bad as Gregory Bovino—but clearly rattled, and clearly sticking to the script: Pretti was armed and planning to kill people.

Then, after her initial statement about the killing of an American citizen by border patrol agents, she pivoted and asked the room, “Any questions about the storm?”

Just. Wow.

No thanks, Kristi. I’ll check my weather app for that. Your people just killed a man, and I want to know why.

With no investigation and mounting evidence to the contrary, Noem was shoved in front of cameras to defuse a disaster—and she looked like a dope doing it.

So who is she? And how did she end up this high in our government?

According to her Wikipedia page, Kristi Noem was born November 30, 1971, in Watertown, South Dakota, and raised on the family ranch in nearby Hazel. She rose quickly, becoming South Dakota Snow Queen her senior year of high school.

She attended Northern State University the following year—apparently 80% white and 72% affluent, stats that were probably similar in 1990. She didn’t graduate. In March 1994, her father died in a farm accident, and she returned home. That obviously sucks—but her daughter Kassidy was born just weeks later, meaning she was at least eight months pregnant when she left school anyway. Plenty of people don’t graduate on time and finish later, but here’s where it gets odd.

Her Wikipedia page notes that she “added a hunting lodge and restaurant to the family property,” which doesn’t exactly scream financial struggle. It also mentions her four siblings moved back to help expand the family business—honestly, sounds like the pitch for an FX series. Later, Noem claimed her father’s death inspired her political career, particularly her push to repeal the estate tax, which she said caused major financial hardship for her family. Others dispute that. Given the company she keeps now, I’m inclined to believe she exaggerated.

She took classes at Mount Marty College, South Dakota State, and online through the University of South Dakota, finally earning a bachelor’s degree from South Dakota State in 2012—six years after she had already been elected to the South Dakota House of Representatives.

If you live in South Dakota, I apologize for this, but: what the fuck?

Noem won her state House seat in 2006 with 39% of the vote. She served until 2011, sponsoring just 11 bills, including two expanding gun rights. Fast forward, and there she was telling the public that Alex Pretti—a registered gun owner—deserved to die because he was armed. Ironic, no?

In 2011, still working toward that degree, she moved up and was elected to the U.S. House of Representatives. She finally graduated in 2012 after receiving college credit for her time in office, which she counted as an internship—prompting the Washington Post to dub her the nation’s “most powerful intern.”

She served in Congress until 2019 and behaved exactly as you’d expect: opposing abortion, climate change policy, Obamacare, stem cell research, and—let’s be honest—probably non-white people. She supported Trump’s 2017 Muslim travel ban, which suspended refugee admissions and barred entry from seven Muslim-majority countries.

South Dakota doubled down and elected her governor in 2018, then again in 2022. She actually received more votes than any gubernatorial candidate in state history. Personally, I’ll stick to seeing Mount Rushmore in pictures—I don’t plan on visiting that shithole state.

As governor, she went hard on abortion, even stating she wouldn’t make exceptions for a ten-year-old rape victim who traveled out of state for an abortion. Rape, incest, IVF—none of it passes muster for Kristi. She’s a real peach.

And this isn’t just ideological disagreement—her tenure has been full of controversy. In 2024, several South Dakota Indigenous tribes banned her from their lands, meaning she’s barred from roughly 20% of her own state. And all they wanted was an apology after she falsely claimed Mexican cartels were using tribal lands to traffic drugs. No evidence, of course—but why let facts ruin a good scare tactic?

There’s more: her Trump-style COVID response (South Dakota saw one of the nation’s worst outbreaks in 2020), deploying the National Guard to Texas for border theater, the infamous “Meth. We’re on it.” campaign, and this gem from Wikipedia: at a 2023 NRA forum, Noem bragged that her two-year-old granddaughter owned a shotgun, a rifle, and a “little pony named Sparkles.”

So here’s the point. This is a powerful, elected official—a Trump loyalist clearly punching above her weight class. I mentioned earlier that she wasn’t “traditionally educated,” and while degrees aren’t everything, they’re not nothing either. There are currently 23 members of Congress with only a high school diploma or GED, which honestly bums me out. At least Kristi eventually got her piece of paper.

But education aside, there’s something to be said for life experience. I can’t help but wonder how much she really absorbed growing up on that ranch as a mother in her early 20’s. Not that more schooling or experience would magically turn her into a decent human being—but watching that press conference, especially her breezy pivot to the weather, I couldn’t shake the feeling: this woman has no idea what she’s talking about.

It reminded me of a storyline from the final season of Cheers, where Woody—the lovable hayseed from Indiana—runs for office. Frasier bets Sam that he could put a chimpanzee on the ballot and get 10% of the vote…or better yet, put Woody on and win. The stunt works too well, and Woody ends up elected to Boston City Council.

I can’t help thinking something similar happened with Kristi Noem. Not an actual bet, but a calculation: nice face, “values,” won’t rock the boat. South Dakota voters bought it—for twenty years.

Now, amid scandal and public outrage, Democrats and some Republicans are calling for her removal. And honestly? I hope she’s impeached. It would be a useful lesson: charm and religious buzzwords only take you so far. Eventually, you need an original thought.

And it would be especially funny if Trump hung her out to dry.

Particularly since I’d bet good money they slept together at least once. And if they didn’t, it’s only because she wouldn’t—and that’s exactly why he’d toss her aside now.

Thanks for reading. Sending good vibes to anyone being oppressed by ICE. We’re with you.