Connections - Part 2

Since a couple people (Literally a couple) said they liked my internet dating story from a couple weeks ago, I thought I would post another one. This one even came before the dark times of internet dating, so you know how far back we’re going. Probably around 2005 or so. It still counts. But before I get to that, the business buttons

Plus, the podcast, the comic and the Teepublic store!

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I was once set up with a young lady for a date. I was told that this person had a lot in common with me, and our email exchanges bore that out (In fact, I was delighted when she made a reference to the Singing Bush scene from Three Amigos.) We did the usual exchange of pictures, and I was happy to see that she was attractive and seemed to have all her teeth, which added to the good start. Hopefully, she thought the same of me.

We agreed that I would meet her at her work before proceeding to dinner.  She had said she would probably be the one locking up the place at 5:00, so I got there early and waited outside.  Around 5:00, a short, frumpy, older woman who was dressed like she was going out to do yard work appeared to lock the door.  "No.  that's not her," I thought.  “She doesn't look anything like the girl from the photo." She looked my way for a second and then went back inside the building.

Because life is cruel, the same woman exited a few minutes later. She started walking towards me and asked, "Are you Matt?"

My first instinct was to say, "Nope" and run.

Always trust your instincts.  We started walking and talking and I suddenly realized a couple things; first off, she was clearly one of those people who presents themselves much better in email, with the benefit of a backspace key. In our emails, she was rather witty, and like I said, she could turn a movie reference. In real life, she was a toughie from Eastie, which is Lowbrow for "East Boston," a' la "Southie." Although I've never heard of Northie or Westie. At the time, this may have been the first time I had ever heard the term “Eastie,” probably because no one ever went there or talked about being from there. These days, things are a lot different, and “Eastie” is a thriving metropolis. At the time, however, it was a thriving shithole. She had lived there her whole life, in the same neighborhood, in fact. It was strange. I had seen people like that in all those crappy movies about Boston, but I had never actually met anyone like that in real life. I felt like I was on the set of Good Will Hunting, but with less pretension.

Second, and this may sound cruel, but I got the impression that she was set up on this date because she was the type who needed to be set-up, otherwise she would never get dates.  She didn't strike me as a real go-getter and (this definitely sounds harsh, but…) I could not imagine a lot of guys asking her out, to be honest. I’m sure in the ensuing years she got plenty of dates from people on dating sites and apps, but at the time, before those things were so prominent, she didn’t present herself particularly well. I wasn’t expecting formal-wear, but she could show a little effort on the first date. 

So, it wasn't long (like, seconds) before I started to think that she really wasn't what I was looking for, and soon I actually began to wonder if this was even the same girl who I had been emailing, especially after she mentioned that she had a twin sister. I still to this day believe the photo was the sister and I was the victim of some kind of Jack Tripper-like chicanery.  Suffice to say, I wasn't feeling a connection right off the bat. Just one of those things, really.  And, okay, I’ll cop to this one. I wasn’t all that impressed when she told me that she had unironically been to BotCon, a convention that exists solely for fans of The Transformers. While I realize those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, at the time, that wasn't exactly a turn-on. This is before the Marvel Cinematic Universe made being a nerd more acceptable, so I wasn't about to admit to any of my geeky interests. Maybe a few dates in you can admit that.

Still, I could have looked past all that if it wasn’t for what happened next. After dinner, which I paid for despite my reservations that I would be sending the wrong message, she got up from the table and, with a straight face, informed me that she needed to "hit the head."

Hit.

The.

Head.

Not, "Excuse me. I have to go to the ladies’ room,'' or "I’m going to go powder my nose,'' or even, "I gots ta pee."

I mean, were her teeth floating? Did she have to drain the lizard? Drop a deuce?  Even I excuse myself to use the restroom, and I'm a guy. Even with my close friends I try to be a lot less crude than that, and this was our first date. And last. 

I know that I am an avid Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm fan and people have told me that this is the sort of thing that would happen on those shows, but it was my real goddam life, and I don't think I was being too critical here. Bottom line: You can judge me all you want, but I found it vulgar, and it helped me decide definitively that I would not be seeing her again. I almost left while she was in the head.

We left the restaurant and walked to the train station and went our separate ways, forever. In fact, I didn’t actually go home. Since I was in the North End, and I wanted to just cleanse my palate a little bit, I went to a cigar bar and had a few more drinks and a stogie, trying to salvage something out of the evening.

The most interesting part of this whole scenario was the varying reactions I got when I told this story to my friends. Some were mad at me for judging someone based on something as trivial as this. Some said, "You're being a jerk. That's just the way she is." Some sort of agreed with me that it was an odd thing to say on a first date, but still didn't see it as a deal-breaker. And most laughed hysterically (with me or at me, I'm still not sure), and responded with some impressive bathroom humor. Some had never even heard the expression before, which should be a good indicator of how weird it was.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I think some of those who criticized me for being too judgmental or too harsh were simply disappointed that I went on a date and didn't find that special someone, because it seems like they were really pulling for me on that one. But when they did criticize, or suggested that she simply showed me who she was, I said, "She can say and do and be whatever she wants. It doesn't mean I want to date her." I just saw myself with someone slightly more refined than a woman who would say "I gotta hit the head" on their first date.

Obviously, I’m married now and this is all just story-telling, but I stand by my logic at the time: stick with what you're attracted to. It's all you have, really. Some people make sacrifices on the little things because there's at least someone to go out with, but remember, the devil is in the details. Those little things are indicative of their personality. I know I'm not perfect. I over-analyze some things yet can be generally pretty apathetic about other things. And if someone said back then, "I can't date him, he's too analytical and emotion-less, and possibly a drunk" I'd understand that. But if I flip-flopped on "hitting the head," then I might as well have thrown it all out the window and married whoever the Hell came along.

In the end, I didn't care that much about hair-color, or if someone is too tall or short or didn't have any money or whatever.  I just wanted someone who was honest and decent and who didn't use vulgar terminology to describe their bathroom duties on the first date. Glad I stuck by my guns on that one.