Battle Beasts

They battled for the fun of it, but not in my house!

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Anyway…

John Hodgman considers nostalgia a”toxic impulse,” and he’s probably right, but I still like to think about old toys. I was recently recalling a line of toys from my youth, and for some reason, I decided to write about it. Can I get a whole post out of it? Let’s see!

The toyline in question was called Battle Beasts, begun originally in Japan as an off-shoot of Transformers, and they were actually called “Beastformers” over there. Hasbro had already made a bunch of money by selling Transformers over here, so they basically asked, “What else you got?” I’m not going to bore you with the history of Battle Beasts and their actual “in canon” link to Transformers in Japan, but if you want to do some extra credit work, here’s the wikipedia article. And i found a 30-second TV spot:

The Battle Beasts concept was based on a rock-paper-scissors-type premise, except they used fire, water and wood, probably because scissors as toys don’t really fly with parents. Each figure was a humanlike animal and featured a small (they were only 2 inches tall) heat-sensitive sticker on their chest, and if you rubbed it, it would reveal if that beast belonged in the fire, water or wood category. According to the commercials, the beasts “battled for the fun of it” and by their rules, fire burned wood, water put out fire, and wood floated on water, which I guess constituted winning. I mean, no one has ever been able to convince me that paper covering rock means that paper beats rock, either, but it was the 80’s and I was a dumb kid, so sure, wood beats water.

Battle Beasts were sold in the U.S. in packs of two, and you never really knew what their sticker would reveal unless you bought them and opened the package. I guess the idea was that if you were a real completist, you would have had to buy each figure 3 times. Later series actually featured a fourth “sunburst” sticker, which would beat fire, water and wood, and your wallet, because if you wanted that one, you would basically have to buy them all again, although rumor had it that only Pirate Lion was endowed with the sunburst sticker.

Speaking of Pirate Lion, in the U.S., Battle Beasts were given some pretty silly names that went along with whatever animal they were. The cow was called “Bodacious Bovine,” the skunk was named “Pew-Trid Skunk” and the toad was called “Horny Toad.” Can you imagine some coked-up guys sitting around a table in the 80’s coming up with these names, and settling on “Horny Toad?” Did they not think that kids wouldn’t find that hilarious? I mean, I sure did.

The thing is, I don’t think I knew their names when I originally bought them. I think the names were featured on a poster that you could get that showed all the figures. But by the time I got that, I had already decided on my own names, and in fact, actually threw the whole rock-paper-scissors thing right out the window the first time I ever played with my Battle Beasts.

I actually did this with a lot of my action figures.as a child. I loved collecting G.I. Joes, Star Wars, Transformers, and whatever else was big back then, but rarely did I adhere to the actual storylines of the toys. Most often, my G.I. Joes were like an A-Team-like collection of misfits that just travelled around and got in adventures (well, ok, mostly just fights. I was definitely imaginative but not very patient.) Sometimes they were cops, sometimes they were alien invaders disguised as humans (I was into the show V back then), and sometimes they were pro wrestlers, but almost never were they actually a part of G.I. Joe or Cobra. I can’t say for sure why. I guess it was just boring to me and I wanted to do my own thing. So, when Battle Beasts came along, I did my own thing with them, as well.

As I said, Battle Beasts came in packs of two, and I brought home three packs in one trip to the toy store when I first saw them. I don’t remember if I had some birthday money saved up or my parents were just feeling generous that day, but they were typically $3 to $5 a pack back then, which was a lot of money to me, so getting six in one haul was just awesome. As I rubbed the stickers, I discovered that I had three fire, two water and one wood: Gargantuan Gorilla, although I obviously didn’t call him that.

It worked out perfectly, however. The three fire guys also kind of looked the same, so they would be the bad guys. The two water ones would be the good guys, because good guys should always be out-numbered. And the gorilla, the sole wood dude, would be a neutral nomad, but he was pretty much a good guy. Each Beast also came with a signature weapon that was supposed to kind of relate to whatever animal they were, although most of them were just swords or axes. So, I decided that my Beasts would not battle for fun, but instead they would be fighting over a magic weapon, and at the beginning it would be the one held by the wood guy, so they were all chasing him down. I literally entertained myself for hours based on this simple premise. It was a hell of a lot better than “Wood floats on water.”

The weird thing is, I had a lot of friends as a child, but I don't think any of them ever had any Battle Beasts. Most of them were a year or two older than me, so it’s possible that they had just stopped playing with toys by the time they hit shelves. But in a way, I think I was glad for that, because this was my thing. These tiny figures questing for a magical axe-thing was all I needed. And as my collection grew, all the new ones got integrated into the storyline. And probably not long after that, I also outgrew playing with toys, although I think I hung on as long as I could. I’m not a parent myself, so I have no idea what age is appropriate for a kid to stop playing with toys. I mean, I still build LEGOs, and I’m damn old.

Obviously, the Battle Beasts went the way of most 80’s toy crazes and died a slow death (except people keep bringing back He-Man for some reason.) I know there was a revival somewhere along the line, and a comic book (which you can apparently buy for $1200!) and animated series, but I was never all that interested. To me, my saga was the one that counted. And yes, if you were wondering (which you weren’t), I sold all my Battle Beasts in the early days of eBay. I can’t remember how much I got, but definitely not as much as this person. But that’s ok. It’s not like anyone really considers them collectibles, except maybe whoever placed that bid $264.00. The beauty of my Battle Beast phase isn't what I sold them for, or what goofy names they had. The beauty is that I came up with a cool idea for them, and here I am remembering it decades later.

Maybe I had that sunburst sticker after all.